While making coffee I decide to check my symptoms on the phone. Apparently, Web MD thinks there’s potential for a stroke. So, I put my phone on the counter, grab two aspirins and then follow the websites’ instructions. It states that if I hold my arms out at shoulder level, close my eyes, and touch my nose with one index finger at a time, then I’m fine and there’s no need to worry.

I perform this quick ritual with no problems and pronounce myself clear of imminent danger.

While the coffee continues to brew, I pick up my phone and begin checking emails. Damn! Looks like major creative decisions were made at 2 am. And for a brief moment I think I should have been up to answer them. But before I get too unhinged, I pull myself back to the world of sanity and realize that answering emails at 2am is not normal.

There’s a reason I have these symptoms. It’s good old fashioned stress, brought upon by the wacky world of production.

Ah, finally, the coffee is ready. I take my first sip. Black. No sugar. The first taste is always the best and I spend the rest of the day chasing that sensation, drinking cup after cup until I’m so high on caffeine there’s nowhere to go but down. And that’s when I have a small niggle in the back of my head that says, Maybe I should make some life style changes.

I immediately dismiss the notion. After all, what would I do if I wasn’t in this crazy, constant-heart-pounding profession?

Hmmm…. I wonder if it’s too late to become an accountant?

I was at the copy machine when the whole thing went down. I ran to the bathroom, closed the door to the stall and did a silent happy dance around the bowl. I gotta admit, it was exhilarating, I know the DP and his work doesn’t merit the amount of posturing and diva gyrations he’s prone toward.

I was smack in the middle of giving her one more fist bump in the air when someone came in.  I had to pretend I was agitated with my lighting order.  No one thinks twice if you’re taking care of business while you’re taking care of business. This is a crazy business.

I woke up this morning and decided – new day – new me. I was going to be nice if it strained the last ounce of sanity I possessed.

But bam. No sooner do I walk into the office then I discover the production “Fairy God Mother” is on strike and I’m on my own.

At 5am, one of the Production Assistants drove two hours, in a rental car, to deliver paychecks to the crew on location. It was Friday and the crew wanted their money after a week of humping and lugging, and working long hours. Not an unreasonable request. It took some maneuvering to figure out which PA could do it, what car they would use, and when the paychecks would be ready. It took precious time to figure it all out, but finally we had a solution. So, I walk away thinking, problem solved. Next.

But, this PA decided to stop at Starbucks along the way. He thought it would be best to bring along the envelope holding the checks while on this non-scheduled coffee run. Wise boy.

He orders his double cap with extra foam, walks over to the sugar bar and loads his cup with five packets. When he checks his watch, he realizes he was in line longer than he planned and being double parked, he puts a little spring in his step and rushes out the door.

He arrives on the set without a minute to spare and without the checks. That’s when he realizes he should’a had a V8, it would have been cheaper than leaving the checks at Starbucks. I had to send PA #2 to retrieve the envelope containing the checks.

And now I’m waiting for PA #1 to return to the office, collect the checks he forgot and finally get them to the set. But, he’s stuck in hellacious traffic and freaked out that he made such a rookie mistake, so he’s texting me every two minutes with an update.

Now I’m on 57th Street.
I’m still on 57th Street.
I missed the light. Hope to make the next one.
They had to let two fire trucks through.
I’m like 7 cars away from getting to the green light.

Finally, I called him and told him to LOSE MY NUMBER.

I know, I sounded like a bitch. And I know today was supposed to be the new me day. But I couldn’t help it. It just came out, like when you accidentally spit on someone while you’re talking, it just happens.

Diary, I’ll do better next time. I promise.

Line Producer:  “Why? I’m not saying no, I just need to understand why before I can allocate $350/day for something  that was never discussed or budgeted for.”

Show Runner:  “Yeah, well, the DP says we need it to create the effect we need.”

Line Producer:  “Okay, what effect is that?”

Show Runner:  “Create that halo effect we need for a scarier look.”

Line Producer:  “There’s no other way to get that look?”

Show Runner:  “Absolutely not, and without it, the entire scene will fall totally and completely flat.  We just have to have it or it won’t look right, the scene won’t play and we might as well not shoot it.”

Line Producer:  (To herself) – “Fine don’t shoot it, that’s one less thing to try and problem solve.”

Line Producer:  (To Show Runner) – “I’ll look at the numbers and see where I can get it from.”

DP:  We absolutely must have that light, without it, there won’t be a scene because you won’t be able to see it.

Line Producer:  “So I’ve been told. Working the numbers, standby.”

Assistant Director:  “Why hasn’t that light been ordered?  We’ve got to have it.”

Director:  “I’m not sure anyone has told you, but we gotta have this light, it will set the tone for the entire series.”

Line Producer: “I’ve been told, and told and told. Don’t worry, I made it work. You’ll have that light.”

Three days into shooting the Line Producer arrives on set and notices there’s no halo light. She turns to the Production Manager and asks, “Where the heck is that light that I was tortured and harassed over? I don’t see them shooting with it.”

The Production Manager points to the back of the grip truck and says, “Oh, you mean that light?”

Line Producer:  “Yeah – what’s it doing sitting on the truck?

Production Manager: (Shrugs.)

Line Producer:  “Please, please tell me it’s broken and you’re about to return it for a replacement?”

Production Manager:  “Nope, they decided they didn’t need it.”

The Line Producer is now silent because her head exploded.

Creative is ALWAYS going to need something or someone that was never planned for and isn’t in your budget. Before agreeing to anything, find out if they really do need the item. I mean, find out, don’t just take their word for it. Inspect the situation, ask lots of questions, do some research, otherwise you’ll waste money and it will be just another light on a truck.

Whether you’re on location, in the studio or sitting at your desk prepping for the next shoot – here are some handy ‘must-haves’ for your bag, satchel, knapsack,  or briefcase.

1. Phone.  Seems obvious, but I’ve had to turn around more than once because I left it on my kitchen table, in my refrigerator, on my desk, in the ladies room, sitting on (fill in the blank). Be prepared because you will never find a pay phone that works or is clean.
2. Phone Charger for wall and car. Do not leave your home without your phone being fully charged and with a charger for the wall and the car.  Just don’t.  You’ll be on your phone all day– texting, making and taking calls, searching for a heart shaped birdcage the production is sure to need at the last minute.  Be prepared, because a dead phone is not a phone.
3. Paper and pen.  Yeah, yeah, we live in a world of technology.  Everything is done on the phone or computer.  But what if you’re on location and need to leave a note on a door, leave the location owner some written information, have a quick production meeting for the next day and need to take notes,  write down a very large coffee order,  whatever… your thumbs just don’t move that fast and you need all the information, not half of what you can remember.  Be prepared, because you’re human not a robot with a memory chip.
4. Folding umbrella.  Even if you have the greatest NASA weather app and it indicates blue skies for the next 20 days – bring an umbrella – when has the weather report ever been truly correct?  I’ve known it to say warm, sunny temps and suddenly found myself standing in a snowstorm. Be prepared because mother nature can be cruel.
5. A small USB flash drive.  You just never know when you’ll need to do an emergency transfer of files.  Be prepared because  you won’t always be near a 24-hour Walmart.
6. Post-it-Notes and a Sharpie.  Sometimes line producers just need to put notes on things, tag items and write with a marker that will stand out. Be prepared, because little notes will fly away without an adhesive backing.
7. Extra sweater or sweatshirt.  You may unexpectedly find yourself  in a house, trailer, studio, or in the elements where the temperature has dropped twenty degrees..  Be prepared, because it’s draining and difficult to think when your feet and toes feel like ice pops.
8. Extra socks.  If you step in a puddle, the cooler turns over on your feet, or there’s a sudden downpour, there’s nothing worse than spending your day in wet socks.  Be prepared, because wet socks suck. (Say that fast 7 times.)

What’s in your bag?

This mystical closet I’m speaking of contains thousands and thousands of only one item.  What’s in this closet?  A monkey wrench.  Yup, that thing when thrown disrupts any situation.

These monkey wrenches seem to hurl themselves directly at Line Producers when they least expect it.  You could be sailing along working on a cost report, quietly smiling to yourself that once again you saved the day by performing herculean feats and still not going over budget when BAM! you’re smacked on the side of the head by a monkey wrench labeled – “we need more pick up shoots”.

DUCK! Another monkey wrench hurling towards you-  Oops – not fast enough, hit the kneecap.  Before you fall to the ground you’re told you have to pay the show runner an additional five weeks because we really, really need him.

WHACK! Oh Man! The Elbow – a direct hit!   Jeez that smarts.  Another request for more edit time on top of the additional edit time you already gave.   Can you spell m-o-n-k-e-y w-r-e-n-c-h.

You can’t cry “FOUL!” when monkey wrenches are darting toward you like a stealth bomber.  Instead you need to learn to pad your budgets.  But be clever about it.  Production companies and networks are getting smart and they can see through pad and make you take them out before the budget is locked.  So put the pad where they don’t check.  Put it in your fringe, gas money, per diem, anywhere no one will really look.  Add additional personnel you’ll never hire.  Just pad, pad, pad to protect you from those nasty hits you’re bound to take on any production.

All you can do to save yourself and your budget is to whip out some serious bad ass thinking. That’s what they hired you for, to be able to think on your feet hanging upside down while flying over the Rockies.

Here’s a formula that might help: Expert negotiating, plus pad, multiplied by clever solutions, equals the slowing down of hurling objects in your direction. Because, in the end you, the Line Producer, will need to come up with solutions.

Don’t continually say, “We can’t afford it.”  No one likes that. Even you’ll hate yourself after a while.

When it comes to reality television there are some rules, but, in reality each new series is virgin territory.  No two series are alike, formatted or not. They each start out with their own unique footprint and that footprint is managed by the Line Producer.

The Line Producer doesn’t determine whether a series will be successful or not, the LP determines whether the series makes a profit and is delivered on time to the network.

So, here’s one piece of advice, and one of the components to being a successful LP:  When you’re tracking costs, at the first sign of trouble, and I do mean the very first hint of an overage – say it.  Don’t believe for a second that anyone knows about it – that’s what they’re paying you for – so shout it out loud.  Each week, as you’re tracking your current costs you should also be estimating your final costs.  In those final estimated costs you should be projecting any overages because that’s the only way you can stop and recalibrate, and hopefully make the necessary adjustments before the production hemorrhages  – at which point all eyes and fingers will be pointing in your direction.

Lesson to be learned:  Speak up.  FOR REAL.

Today, like most days, I’m running one-hundred and fifty miles in a lot of directions simultaneously. My in-box sounds like Ms. Pac Girl on steroids. Ping. Ping. Ping. Twenty-five unread emails and counting.

I want to take my palm and smack myself upside the head for ever feeling bad when I wasn’t working and checked my emails a thousand times a day and found nothing, not even spam. I was stoopid. Today, they’re hitting my inbox like a broken bag of rice spilling all over the floor. I want to scream but I can’t, my office has glass walls and people may get the wrong impression.  Like maybe she’s crazy? Lunatic? A fringe Line Producer?

I look at my emails again and ask myself what’s happened to live communication?  Don’t we talk anymore and then I remember this morning’s ‘quick meeting’ that turned into a three-hour marathon and I’ve answered my own question. “Meetings are bad. They are not the answer,” I say. “Then what is?” I ask myself. Clearly self-reflection isn’t going to help because the emails keep coming. I’m surprised my in-box doesn’t break. Ding, ding, ding. Lordy.

I hate to cut this short, but my screen looks like it’s going to explode and there’s a line of people outside my door waiting for me to sign purchase orders, approve locations, and spend more money that’s not in the budget.

Diary, I know I’m not supposed to be a crabby-ass Line Producer. I’ll be better next time. I promise.

It’s me, Jane. I know, I’ve neglected you horribly, but I was on vacation. Tropical breezes, the smell of early morning sun-tan lotion, and the sound of waves rolling in and rolling out. I was at peace with the world.  I had no complaints. But now, I’m back at work. I’m on a new series. And I could use a friend, and you’ve always been such a good listener. You never judge.

It’s true what everyone’s been saying behind my back, I’ve developed an attitude. I’ve gone back to my roots, The Bronx. The only borough with a preposition. Also, the only borough that can be used as an adjective. “You’re so Bronx.” “Don’t make me get Bronx on you.”  These are terms I’m familiar with because whenever I’m really super-duper pissed off, my first reaction is to go Bronx. And it’s not pretty.

Right now, I’m sitting at my desk with the door closed pretending to work. I’m pretending because I’m too furious to concentrate on anything of substance. I’ve been asked to get the ungettable get. And there’s no room in the budget. Another long night. Seems to be a constant state with me these days.

The Bronx girl in me is banging down the wall of my skull and she wants out. If I let her, she’ll say a horrid curse word. And my father always told me cursing was for those with a limited vocabulary. But I swear to all that is holy in this universe, sometimes when I let out a ‘motha-fucker you all quit it,” well, it cures what’s ailing me.  Sometimes I need that kind of release.

Diary, I know I really ought to curb the foul language. I’ll be better next time. I promise.

After an exhaustive search and interview process you make your first hire – the Line Producer.  Two weeks into production there’s a niggling sensation in the back of your mind, and you suddenly realize it’s your own voice asking you, “What the fuck? How did I hire such a crazy person?” In fact, if you look back you’ll realize the nightmare began the day they started working and the infractions have just been piling up. They didn’t think it was necessary to track the money, they were making crazy deals with vendors and put nothing in writing, when your back was turned they often screamed instead of spoke, they were unable to recognize a purchase order even when it flew out of the printer and smacked them upside their head, they’d decided the DP didn’t know what he was talking about and cut the lighting order in half…. And all this in a matter of days. It can happen that fast.

Despite the interview process and glowing references, you don’t know you’ve hired an axe murderer until their standing next to you in the middle of production with the axe in their hands.  Before your production continues down the slippery slope toward Over Budget City and a spectacular crash, take the axe out of their hands before anyone else gets hurt. Let them know it’s not working out and release them immediately.

Do not second guess yourself, and do not go on hoping things will get better.  You don’t have the money or the time. Move on.  Find someone else. Even if you believe there is no one else out there who can do the job, let them go.  It will be ten times more painful keeping them because you will end up doing their job, money will be lost, and time will be wasted.  Let.  Them.  Go.