BUT – when it finally comes to the ungettable ask. When you’ve asked beyond what the budget was meant to do – and you top it off with – “find the money,” then I have this to say – YOU show ME the money, cause I looked under my desk and it ain’t there. I even checked my wallet just to make sure I didn’t accidentally misplace it.   Asking for the ungettable ask – just pisses me off. Don’t do it. Because I’ve just given you 100 and 1 things that were never planned for, now you need to come up with a creative way to make it happen without costing more. That is why they’re paying you more than anyone else on the set.

And that’s what Line Producers really think.

There are few things as awful as being a line producer at 5am on a ridiculously cold February morning; the constant worry that you’ve forgotten something, or the fact that just when you think it’s all under control, someone will ask you to perform a nearly impossible task.   So, fifteen minutes after the call, Mort was in a cab headed to the lower east side.

It was too early even for Starbucks, so once inside the production offices he was forced to make regular coffee in a machine that hadn’t been used in…well never.  Add fake powdered creamer, one packet of artificial sweetener and he was starting his day one step lower on the ladder than he planned.

After several phone calls, to several ‘emergency production numbers, ‘ there was no way round it, what the crew needed he could not provide.

Pressing the speed dial number to Mr. Show Runner he mentally prepared what he was going to say.  There were two large bubbles over his head, one that was the ‘right thing’ to say and the other – well that one was in full-blown reality mode saying all the things he wanted to say, been itching to say for weeks – but he knew in civilized society we don’t speak like that if we still want to work in this town, so ‘the right thing’ bubble spoke when Mr. Show Runner answered.

“Hey Mr. SR, I’m sorry, I’ve tried everyone as far as Vegas….

“Wait!  What???, said a pissed off Mr. SR.  “I need that light and crane and I need them now or you won’t get the scene.”

Mort didn’t respond well to threats.  He was feeling that other bubble about to explode to the surface and it sounded something like… “Well now lookie here, you’ve known for weeks you’re doing a night shoot in the desert about 150 miles away from any-freaking-thing.  We’ve had 3 pre-production meetings.  We went over the scene step by step and now you’re in the godforsaken desert, operating on a cable TV budget, and you decide artistically you need something else that requires one of the biggest HMI’s ever lifted on a crane.  Really?!? Well no, that can’t happen! “And just so we’re clear, you have to get this shot!”

Instead, Mort listened, as Mr. Show Runner wasted more time letting him know that he wanted what he wanted.

Finally Mort broke in, “Listennn t000o meeeee…”  Exaggerating the words as if he were spelling out each letter explaining it to a child.  “It’s 3am your time, and you’re 150 miles from the nearest bathroom so there ‘s no possibility I can get you a crane in the next 15 minutes. There is only one way to manage this – have everyone in the crew hold up their cell phones while standing on top of the cars and vans. It’s either that, or you don’t get the shot.”

“That is my solution.  Run with it.  God Speed.”  And Mort hung up, grabbed his jacket and strolled down to Starbucks.  The day was looking a little bit better.

You want 25 actors in the middle of a desert surrounded by 1950’s automobiles with a kangaroo jumping up and down – Poof! We make it happen.  The talent doesn’t like their accommodations – Abracadabra – we make it go away and replace it with something FAB -u-lous.  The director can’t get the shot in time, presto-change-o we are gonna make sure the overtime is absorbed in the budget.

We try not to let you see the sweat under our cape– but sometimes the magic we’re asked to perform is gosh darn sweat worthy.  We are the masters of illusion – don’t forget that.

Mistakes run the gamut from:

1. Oh Shit – I told the Show Runner s/he could start next week but I actually don’t have money for him to start for another two weeks and he’s already in the office working.
2. Damn – Somehow I left the Field Producer off the budget and I need to find $28,000 dollars.
3. Smack Me Upside My Head – I didn’t get the location agreement signed and we won’t be able to air anything we shot.
4. Shut Up – The network is expecting the first episode on March 2nd and I told the post-production department delivery was March 10th.

After you have made the mistake you have a few choices:

1. Leave and start a commune in Idaho.
2. Come up with a story that implies you had no idea there even was a problem until JUST THIS MINUTE and then blame someone else.
3. Secretly try and fix the problem before too many people find out.
4. Tell your Executive-in-Charge of Production– “Hey, we’ve got a problem.”

Anything but #4 is gonna get you going the long way around nowhere into a slimy pit of bad shit.

TELL THE TRUTH.  Most people don’t. They lie.  Don’t do it.

Here’s what the truth will get you:

1. People will be pissed at you; but hey do you remember who was pissed at you 2 years ago?  Exactly my point.  Everyone will get over it.
2. You will have more people working to help you solve the situation.  You’ll need more people because when you’re in the thick of a nasty ass problem, you’re problem-solving skills are not the sharpest.  You need reinforcements and quite frankly you’ll need ‘out-of-the-box’ thinking.  You may even need ‘out-of-this-realm’ thinking.

Whatever you’re particular “If I tell them I will die” situation is, remember this is television.  It’s your job, it’s important, it’s someone’s company, it’s a lot of things, but it’s also just television.  Tell the truth.  Work hard to fix it, and because you’ve worked your way to Line Producer you usually can fix it.  If you’re honest and you swear on a stack of time cards you’ll never make that mistake again, you’ll likely be forgiven and hired again.