While making coffee I decide to check my symptoms on the phone. Apparently, Web MD thinks there’s potential for a stroke. So, I put my phone on the counter, grab two aspirins and then follow the websites’ instructions. It states that if I hold my arms out at shoulder level, close my eyes, and touch my nose with one index finger at a time, then I’m fine and there’s no need to worry.

I perform this quick ritual with no problems and pronounce myself clear of imminent danger.

While the coffee continues to brew, I pick up my phone and begin checking emails. Damn! Looks like major creative decisions were made at 2 am. And for a brief moment I think I should have been up to answer them. But before I get too unhinged, I pull myself back to the world of sanity and realize that answering emails at 2am is not normal.

There’s a reason I have these symptoms. It’s good old fashioned stress, brought upon by the wacky world of production.

Ah, finally, the coffee is ready. I take my first sip. Black. No sugar. The first taste is always the best and I spend the rest of the day chasing that sensation, drinking cup after cup until I’m so high on caffeine there’s nowhere to go but down. And that’s when I have a small niggle in the back of my head that says, Maybe I should make some life style changes.

I immediately dismiss the notion. After all, what would I do if I wasn’t in this crazy, constant-heart-pounding profession?

Hmmm…. I wonder if it’s too late to become an accountant?

I was at the copy machine when the whole thing went down. I ran to the bathroom, closed the door to the stall and did a silent happy dance around the bowl. I gotta admit, it was exhilarating, I know the DP and his work doesn’t merit the amount of posturing and diva gyrations he’s prone toward.

I was smack in the middle of giving her one more fist bump in the air when someone came in.  I had to pretend I was agitated with my lighting order.  No one thinks twice if you’re taking care of business while you’re taking care of business. This is a crazy business.

While many things are needed during a production, there is a world of difference between what you need and what you want. A want – is a ‘nice to have’ it’s not a necessity.  When you approach us with an ask we are mentally posing the question – “Is this a need or a want?”

You need camera gear. It would be nice to have 5 extra lenses. You need transportation. It would be nice to have an upgrade for extra legroom.  You need lighting. It would be nice to have a whole truck for grip and electric so you can pull whatever you want off the truck at a moment’s notice. We’ll pay for and find the money for a need… a want will undoubtedly go to the end of our endless ‘to get to’ list.

So, to make your LP happy – try one of these 5 things:

1. Unless the network has added a scene, don’t ask for more shoot days. It just makes us twitch, gets us a little crazy, and bad words start swimming around in our heads.
2. Don’t just hand us receipts in a pile. Seriously?  We’ll laugh. And it’s really not theha- hafunny kind of laugh.
3. Don’t ask us to buy the liquor you feel you must consume to forget the day of production you just finished.
4. Don’t ask for more edit time on top of the additional edit time we’ve already given you. This falls into ‘blood from a stone’ category.
5. Don’t ask to leave the set early because you need to have dinner with your girlfriend. I haven’t seen my family in 12 years – hang in there until the weekend.

After an exhaustive search and interview process you make your first hire – the Line Producer.  Two weeks into production there’s a niggling sensation in the back of your mind, and you suddenly realize it’s your own voice asking you, “What the fuck? How did I hire such a crazy person?” In fact, if you look back you’ll realize the nightmare began the day they started working and the infractions have just been piling up. They didn’t think it was necessary to track the money, they were making crazy deals with vendors and put nothing in writing, when your back was turned they often screamed instead of spoke, they were unable to recognize a purchase order even when it flew out of the printer and smacked them upside their head, they’d decided the DP didn’t know what he was talking about and cut the lighting order in half…. And all this in a matter of days. It can happen that fast.

Despite the interview process and glowing references, you don’t know you’ve hired an axe murderer until their standing next to you in the middle of production with the axe in their hands.  Before your production continues down the slippery slope toward Over Budget City and a spectacular crash, take the axe out of their hands before anyone else gets hurt. Let them know it’s not working out and release them immediately.

Do not second guess yourself, and do not go on hoping things will get better.  You don’t have the money or the time. Move on.  Find someone else. Even if you believe there is no one else out there who can do the job, let them go.  It will be ten times more painful keeping them because you will end up doing their job, money will be lost, and time will be wasted.  Let.  Them.  Go.

And then I remembered I was carrying my SLP – that’s “Super Line Producer” cape to the uninitiated. I threw that puppy over my shoulders and took flight….soaring high above mere mortals and when I looked down I realized – “Hey this is easy!” And then I woke up.

So what essentials are in my bag?

1. Seems obvious, but I’ve had to turn around more than once because I left my phone sitting on the kitchen table. Be prepared and make sure it is with you at all times – this is your main source of communication with the world.
2. Phone Charger for wall and car. Do not leave your home without your phone being fully charged and with a charger for the wall and the car. Just don’t. You’ll be on your phone all day– texting, making and taking calls, searching for a heart shaped birdcage the production is sure to need at the last minute. Be prepared don’t run out of juice.
3. Paper and pen. Yeah, yeah, we live in a technological world. Everything is done on the phone or computer. But what if you’re on location and you need to leave the location owner a note, have a quick production meeting for the next day and need to take notes, make a change for the next day’s schedule, write down a very large coffee order, whatever… your thumbs just don’t move that fast and you need all the information, not half of what you can remember. Be prepared, write it down.
4. Folding umbrella. Even if the weather report says sunny skies for the next 20 days – bring an umbrella. When has the weather report ever been truly correct? I’ve known it to say sunny and warm and the next thing you know I’m standing in the middle of a freak snowstorm. Be prepared, weather is unpredictable.
5. A small drive. You just never know when you’ll need to do an emergency transfer of files and you won’t always be near a 24-hour Walmart.
6. Post-it-Notes. These are very handy, because sometimes line producers just need to put notes on things. Be prepared, little notes can serve as reminders.
7. Extra sweater or sweatshirt. You may suddenly find yourself in an unexpected frigid house, trailer, studio, etc. Be prepared, it’s draining to be cold all day.
8. Extra socks because there is always the possibility you could; step in a puddle, turn the cooler full of melted ice on your feet, get drenched in a down pour, or any other minor calamity. There’s nothing worse than spending your day in wet socks. Be prepared, because, well, wet socks suck. (Say that fast 7 times.)

So what’s in your bag?

Second – let’s see how well you handle 10 people asking you 1000 questions while juggling 10,000 purchase orders containing information about monies you or your team have spent, with or without your approval, subtracting from the ever shrinking bottom line that you are responsible for.  Reminds me of Dan Akyrod and Eddie Murphy on the trading floor as the bottom drops out of the orange market in Trading Places.

Third – Can you solve problems?  Face them down like so much cotton candy instead of the brick wall you perceive them to be.  Can you dream up out-of-the-box solutions?  Can you really, truly, without a doubt live with the constant, unrelenting lists that go round and round in your head all hours of the night like Sara Jessica Parker in I Don’t Know How She Does It.

If you can check yes, yes and yes then you’ve got a good chance of making it.

Here’s one route to becoming a Line Producer:

1. Start in the field as Production Assistant.  Do whatever is asked.  Watch and learn what everyone does.
2. Then become and office Production Assistant so you can learn the ins and outs of what happens in the production office and get cozy with the production accountant.  (Always follow the money.)
3. Get back out in the field and work closely with the Production Manger and get yourself promoted to Production Coordinator – learn everything you can about managing a shoot.
4. Get yourself promoted to Production Manager and work closely with the Line Producer.  Learn how to create and manage schedules and budgets, hire personnel, negotiate contracts and the inner workings of post production,
5. Work your way up to Line Producer.

There are dozens of ways to get to where you want to go – the above is just one route.

Good Luck – in whatever route you choose.

Every minute you wait to decide if you should fly in a DP or use someone local,  the fare goes up.  Each time you mull over whether you should hire a particular editor, someone else booked him.  Each hour that passes with the wrong producer in place – BAM, BAM, BAM, you’ve lost thousands.  And now production is running in crisis mode, moving money around, slashing, hacking and burying bodies.  It doesn’t need to be this stressful.  Come on, wake the fuck up.  Make a decision.

For a better look inside the mind of an LP you have to understand that we all have the shared philosophy that while many things are needed during a production, there is a world of difference between what you need and what you want.  A want – is a ‘nice to have’ it’s not a necessity.   When you approach us with an ask we are mentally posing the question – “Is this a need or a want?”

You need camera gear.  But, it would be nice to have 5 extra lenses.  You need transportation, but it would be nice to have an upgrade for extra legroom.   You need lighting, but it would be nice to have a whole truck for grip and electric so you can pull whatever you want at a moments notice.  We’ll pay for and find the money for a need, however, a want will undoubtedly go to the end of our endless ‘I –will-get-to it” list.

So to make your LP happy:

1. Unless the network has added a scene, don’t ask for more shoot days.  It just makes us twitch, gets us a little crazy, and bad words start swimming around in our heads.
2. Don’t just hand us receipts in a pile.  Seriously?  We’ll laugh.  And it’s really not the ha ha funny kind of laugh.
3. Don’t ask us to buy the liquor you feel you must consume to forget the day of production you just finished.
4. Don’t ask for more edit time on top of the additional edit time we’ve already given you.  This falls into ‘blood from a stone’ category.
5. Don’t ask to leave the set early because you need to have dinner with your girlfriend.  I haven’t seen my family in 12 years – you don’t get dinner.

The fact is, the creative asks are never going to get less. As a Line Producer there’s only one way to handle minuscule budgets – you to have PUNCH YOUR WAY OUT.

10 things real live Line Producers have done to help reduce the costs of producing reality television:

1. When the travel is going to be ridiculously expensive and more than you could EVAH afford – try purchasing one-way tickets.  It can sometimes save you hundreds.  Another option is to get tickets with layovers in the city you want to be in and don’t take the second leg of the trip.
2. Instead of shipping all your gear to the next shoot, have the crew and talent take one gear bag.  This way you’re only paying for the extra baggage fee.
3. If you’re shooting anywhere near a culinary school see if they’ll cater for real cheap.
4. If you have to shoot interviews in a small town check the local church, library Elks club, or community center, perhaps they will rent you their basement for $50. Don’t let a hotel conference room be your first ask… you can go cheaper.
5. When you’re looking for a location and don’t have a ton of money, check if one of the locations could possibly be a local restaurant.  As the location fee, offer the restaurant owner the cost of buying the crew’s lunch as the location fee.  The crew gets fed and in essence you’re getting a free location.
6. For long production cycles, don’t give box rentals to the media manager, instead, buy a used computer, you will save money on the box rental and the company will own a computer when it’s over.
7. If you’re not traveling too far, turn the travel day into a travel and scout day, it will save you on the number of crew days you’ll pay.
8. If you’re shooting a docu soap with lots of on-camera interviews and your budget is real tight  – have the DP set up the shot and the lights for the first day, then use a Camera Operator for the rest of your interview shoot days.
9. Hire a very experienced Production Coordinator to be your Production Manager, at a rate that’s higher than what they’ve gotten, but less than a super experienced Production Manager.
10. Use the caravan system to take people to the airport.  Hire a PA and a van and have them pick people up or have everyone meet at a central location.  It will be cheaper than everyone taking a car service or taxi to the airport.

And there you have it , just a few ways to get some Cha-ching! back in your budget.